With These Hands

With These Hands (extended excerpt)

By Michelle Catenacci

Part 2

London - April 17, 1793

Resting her head against the plush coverings of the carriage, Lilly allowed her eyes to drop shut. The slow back and forth rocking of the carriage seemed to soothe her turbulent feelings. She wanted to be happy as much as she wanted to throw herself from that very carriage. In the last two weeks her life had been turned completely upside down and she was still wrapped up in the whirlwind of it all.

Two weeks ago, she had been a free woman with her whole life laid out ahead of her. Granted, she was not really free of her parents or society’s expectations, but she had been able to make some of her own decisions. Now all those decisions had been made for her.

Her eyes fluttered open and gazed at the profile of the dark man seated in front of her. He looked thoughtfully out of the carriage window, seemingly deep in thought. Lilly did not want to disrupt him, so she stayed silent. Dropping her eyes, she stared at the tiny gold band around her gloved finger. It wasn’t proper to wear rings over gloves, but she had not gotten herself to take her gloves off to remove the ring.

To begin with, she still could not believe it was there. Only that morning as she paced back and forth in her brand-new emerald green gown, she would not allow herself to think about what was to happen to her.

“Lilly.” He spoke her name, softly and gently.

She raised her head and met the piercing blue eyes of her husband. A shiver ran through her at the thought. She was married and yet she tried to convince herself it was all a dream. She really hadn’t stood in church before the bishop and pledged her life to a man she barely knew. But that gold ring proved that she had, no matter how much she wanted to deny it.

“We are almost there.”

“Where are we going, mon seigneur?” she asked softly.

The ghost of a smile touched his lips as he reached out and cupped her hands in his. Lilly tried not to wince at the contact, hoping he would not see her reaction.

“How many times have I asked you to call me Sebastien, darling?”

“At least three times today. In the past two weeks, at least a hundred,” she replied, not being able to stop the giggle that rose out of her.

“Then why will you not say it?” he asked as he moved from his side of the carriage to sit next to her.

“It does not seem proper. I hardly know you.”

He tipped her face up towards his, gazing down into her stormy green eyes. “We will have to get to know each other then, won’t we? You are my wife.”

The words whirled around in Lilly’s head… my wife.

Lilly was drawn out of her thoughts, by the feeling of his warm breath caressing her face. He touched his lips to her forehead, each of her eyes, her nose, across her cheek until they were nuzzled against her ear.

“Say my name,” he whispered in her ear.

Lilly felt her defenses slipping away as she gave in to him.

“Sebastien.”

No sooner had the words been spoken, Sebastien’s lips were covering hers. His arms came around her, holding her close as he sipped from her sweetness. Lilly felt him shudder as her tongue slowly traced along the curve of his mouth, a trick he had taught her. If her head wasn’t spinning enough, his kisses did not help. She clutched on to him, lest she should drown.

The carriage rolled to a jarring stop, pulling the two apart. Lilly hid her face against his shirt for a moment, trying to regain her bearings. Her breath was ragged and she could feel the heat in her face. Laying her cheek against the cool of his shirt, she breathed in his scent of sandalwood and shaving soap.

“We are home, chérie,” he whispered against her chestnut hair.

This was the place that Lilly was going to call home. The idea struck her as odd since she had never considered the place she had come from as home. But here was the place where she would spend the rest of her days with Sebastien. He said he had recently purchased it, so that they did not have to live with his aunt. Even though Lady Alice was going to be close at hand, as she would be living next door. However, Lilly was happy to have a place to call her own.

Lilly detangled herself from her husband’s arms just as the carriage door was being opened. Sebastien stepped out first and then offered his arm to her. Poking her head around, Lilly took in the small gray fronted townhouse. It already had a quaint and home-like feeling about the place, which she liked.

Placing her hand on Sebastien’s, he helped her down and arm in arm they headed up the front steps. He opened the front door and led her inside. The foyer in which they stood was sparsely decorated and what furniture was there was still covered in cloths. Stairs were situated farther down the hall against one wall. To the right a doorway led into a parlor and to the left was another doorway which led to a formal dining room.

“I know it is not what you had probably expected,” Sebastien tried to explain. “Most of the furnishings have just arrived and there hasn’t been ample time to set everything out yet. I had hoped that you would help in the arrangement of the furniture.”

Lilly lifted a corner of cloth on one of the tables and peered underneath. Sebastien stood by with a smile on his face as she continued to inspect the many tables in the foyer.

She was so engrossed in her task that she hardly noticed the pitter-patter of little feet as they raced across the upper level and down the stairs. Lifting her head just in time, she saw a little head full of black curls run past her.

“Papa!” the little girl cried as she flung herself into Sebastien’s waiting arms.

Lilly gaped at the embracing pair. The little girl was dressed in a simple pink dress with a matching ribbon in her hair. It was the same exact color as her father’s own jet black hair.

She babbled happily in French as Sebastien lifted her off the ground. With a grin plastered on his face, he approached Lilly, and the little girl grew quiet. Her hazel eyes widened in confusion and she stuck her tiny thumb into her mouth.

Too many questions were running through Lilly’s head. Why didn’t she know that Sebastien had a daughter? Did that mean he was married before? Or is his daughter illegitimate? These questions only confirmed Lilly’s fear even more, that she had really married a man, of whom she knew nothing about. He could be a murderer for all she knew at this point.

“Lilly,” Sebastien said slowly, drawing her out of her thoughts. He propped the little girl up higher on his hip. “I want you to meet Daphne, my daughter. Daphne, I want you to meet your new mama.”

Lilly looked at the child again. She knew she had to be brave and strong but most importantly appear undisturbed by this change in events. The last thing she wanted was for Daphne to be afraid of her. So, with a fake smile she gently reached out her hand to gently stroke the little girl’s cheek.

“No! She not my mama!” Daphne pulled away from Lilly by burying her little face in her father’s neck. Her little shoulders shook with her sobs as Sebastien patted her back.

Lilly felt as though her heart had dropped to the floor. It was not her intention to make Daphne cry. She felt her own tears of frustration burn the back of her eyes.

This was going all wrong.

~~~~~

Sebastien looked over his daughter’s shoulder catching Lilly’s gaze and nodded towards the front parlor. His eyes followed her retreating back as she silently complied.

Carrying her upstairs, he laid Daphne down on her little bed and knelt down beside her. She would not let go of his hand.

“She is not my mama, papa!”

“But she will be, darling,” he stated calmly.

Daphne pouted slightly. “Does she know that I like strawberry tarts?”

His lips twitched upwards into a smile. “She will learn. You will have to tell her everything you like. She will be living with us now, and I would very much like for the two of you to be friends. Do you think you could be friends with her?”

Daphne thought about it hard for a moment before nodding her head.

“I can try to be her friend, papa.”

Sebastien leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He left her to nap in her bed under the supervision of her nurse who appeared at the door.

Walking down the hall, Sebastien realized that he probably did not handle the situation with the right amount of care. He should have known that Daphne was going to react that way. It had only been six months since she had lost her mother. It should have been obvious to him that she would not accept a replacement so quickly. However, he would find a way for his daughter and his wife to become a family. This was his reason for getting married in the first place. Right?

He had hoped that Lilly … LILLY! Sebastien stopped suddenly and fell against the wall. He had completely forgotten about her! Not just that she was downstairs waiting for him, but he had not told her about Daphne.

Raking his hand through his hair, he thought long and hard about it. Granted he had not known her for long. He had hoped to gauge how she would react, before he even told her. As chance would have it, an opportunity never presented itself. During the time they had spent together, they were constantly supervised. This was unusual because once two people become engaged, then they were allowed to be together. Sebastien had noticed Lilly’s father’s distrust of him. Whenever Lilly started speaking in French to Sebastien, her father would curse at her for doing so. There was no mistaking that he had his daughter on a short leash and was not entirely willing to hand her off to quickly to a Frenchman.

As it was, Sebastien wanted to tell Lilly when they were alone, away from the prying eyes of her family. He did not want her or her father to cry off because they realized that all he wanted was a mother for his child. That was the last thing he wanted them to know.

Pushing off the wall, he straightened his jacket and set off downstairs. This was a small inconvenient problem that he could simply remedy. How hard could it be? He groaned. This was going to be difficult. She would have questions that he would be obliged to answer, no matter how uncomfortable it would be. He couldn’t hide things from her like he had been, she deserved to know. D— it, he didn’t want to talk about it. It was all still too painful to even think about. Hopefully, he could appease her by saying as little as he possibly could.

Rounding the corner, he stopped outside the parlor. Sebastien took a deep breath, preparing himself to confront his wife.

~~~~~

Lilly tortured her handkerchief between her hands, twisting it back and forth. The more time she spent alone sitting there waiting for him, the more she thought and the more the situations in her head went from bad to worse.

There was no explaining the confusion and anger that coursed through her veins. She was furious at him for not telling her about Daphne and leaving her to stand there staring at the child. There was no imagining how uncomfortable Lilly must have made the child feel and she hated herself for it.

What else could Sebastien be hiding from her if he hadn’t told her that much? She was going to get her answers. Lilly’s heart skipped a beat when she heard Sebastien’s steps growing louder. Standing, she prepared herself for a battle.

There was no mistaking the solemn expression upon his face when he walked into the room.

Lilly swallowed hard on the lump forming in her throat. This was not the time to let her nerves get the best of her. She was going to stand up for herself, for the first time in her life and she was not about to let him know that. “How dare you not tell me about your daughter?” she demanded, planting her hands on her hips.

“It seemed to have slipped my mind,” he said mildly. He crossed the room and sat down on the cream colored settee.

Lilly sputtered at his reply.

“How do you manage to forget something important like that? She obviously means a great deal to you. Then how could you forget her?”

“Until you, she was all I had. She is everything to me,” he responded savagely. “I would never forget her. I was waiting for the right moment to tell you.”

Lilly was not going to take an almost lack of reply for an answer so quickly. She thought she deserved a little more than that. So, she decided to go deeper than that; try to make him talk.

“Why? Is she the product of some blow-by with a woman, whose name you don’t even remember? Or is she even yours?” Lilly accused.

Sebastien surged to his feet, fire burning in his deep blue eyes. Grabbing hold of both of her upper arms, he yanked her towards him and glared down at her. A soft gasp escaped her lips as she felt his fingers dig into her soft flesh.

“Don’t you dare question my daughter’s legitimacy ever again! She is mine. Her mother and I were married for five years.”

Lilly’s eyes grew twice their normal size. Yes, she was trying to bait him to get information, but this was something that she was not expecting. She opened and closed her mouth several times like a fish to try and form words but nothing came out.

“Does that surprise you?” he taunted. “You are my second wife, Lilly.”

She struggled against his hands, but he only tightened his grip.

“Let go of me! How could you marry me and not give me the common courtesy to let me know you were married before?” She pulled harder until he finally removed his hands from her person.

“When would I have had the chance to tell you, Lilly? Your mother was a hawk every time we were together and your father just wanted his hands on my money.”

She let his words sink in. He was right about her mother, but what was this about money.

“What do you mean my father wanted your money? I thought my dowry was settled between the two of you.” She sank down into a chair she had backed up into.

Sebastien then had the audacity to laugh at her. Strolling over, he braced her hands on the arms of her chair and leaned over until his nose almost touched hers.

“What dowry? Your father barely had two shillings to rub together, and creditors knocking on his door. No, my dear, I got no money from your father. Quite to the contrary, I had to give him five thousand pounds before he agreed to our marriage. I will give him this though; he does drive a hard bargain. Therefore, chérie, you belong to me in more ways than one.” His voice was gentle but strong punctuating every word so that she would not misunderstand his meaning.

She understood perfectly and it only fueled the burning fire within her. This was all too unreal and unfair. She started to tremble, as her emotions were raging.

“Is that how you see me? As something you have bought and paid for?” she asked quietly.

“When you are being this infuriating… yes!”

A crack rang out as Lilly slapped him hard across the face. A second after she covered her mouth with her hand. She was as shocked as he must have been.

However, she was happy she had done it. He had deserved it. In her mind, what right did he have to say such things?

His face was turned away from her and the tick was working in his jaw as he fought his temper.

“You will not strike me again,” he spoke through his teeth, “because next time you will not like the consequences.”

Feeling quite good about herself, she raised a delicate eyebrow. “Why? Will you feel the need to demonstrate your male dominance over me? I think not, mon seigneur. You could beat me senseless but you can never break me. I have endured more physical pain than you could even imagine. Therefore, do not think I am a meek, mild woman who is going to sit idly by and take your abuse.”

He finally turned to look at her and she did not wither under the heat of his gaze.

“What the devil are you talking about?”

Lily thought about it for just the briefest of moments. He had to know about her hands and he had to find out now. It would give her great satisfaction to see that look on his face. For once, she felt power in the weakness she had tried for so long to hide. She was not sure what had caused this change within her. Maybe it was the fact that she had married him knowing that no one else would have her. Now, he was stuck with her until his dying breath and he had never breached the subject of why she always wore gloves. Sebastien was going to find out sooner or later, and Lilly decided that when he found out it would be on her terms

All she had ever wanted was to escape the abuse that her father dealt her on a regular basis. She was no longer afraid since this was her chance to start afresh. She had promised herself the moment she had stepped out of her parents’ home forever, that she was not going to allow her husband to treat her the same way her father had treated her. It had shocked her that Sebastien would even let it cross his mind to harm her. In the two weeks they had known each other, he was nothing more than the dashingly handsome suitor; nothing like the dragon who breathed fire at her only moments before.

“You are not the only one with secrets you are not willing to talk about. Given the falsehoods surrounding our marriage and the fact that you purchased me as if I were no more than horseflesh, it gives me great pleasure to inform you that you have received damaged goods.”

Ignoring the pain, she planted her hands firmly on his chest and pushed him away before he had a chance to realize what she had said. Without ceremony and before he could get another word in, Lilly yanked off the glove on her right hand. With great care, she then removed her wedding ring from her left finger, pulled her left glove off and replaced the ring.

Suddenly she felt very naked without her gloves as she threw them down on the ground. This did not stop her when she held both of her hands up in front of his face. The tears were already pricking at the corner of her eyes.

“Look!” she demanded fiercely. “Look at what years of saying nothing and taking a man’s abuse has gotten me!”

~~~~~

Sebastien’s stomach turned and he could taste the bile at the back of his throat. Throughout his life, he had known pain and had seen what war does to men, but nothing had prepared him for this.

Her palms were facing him. A mixture of pink and white lines streaked across her palms and fingers. New scars were covering the old ones to the point where Sebastien could not distinguish where one started and another began. Sebastien thought it couldn’t get worse than that, until Lilly turned her hands so he could see the tops of them. They were bruised a complete palette of colors; dark purple in the middle and speckled with magenta, green and yellow. Moving them closer to his face, Sebastien could see that they had also been burned a long time ago. Stretched over her small bones, the skin was a series of hard wrinkled spider webs.

Finally pulling his stare away, he focused his gaze on Lilly’s face. She showed no expression, save the crystal tears streaming from her emerald eyes. He watched in complete silence, for he did not know what to say, as she put her hands down, picked up her gloves and strode out of the room without another word.

Sebastien stood there alone with nothing to comfort him but his own thoughts. It had never occurred to him that this would have happened. Much less expected what he had seen. Granted, he had noticed that his new bride always wore gloves and had never taken them off in his presence. A good amount of breeding and decorum could have been the simple answer for it, not what he had just witnessed.

Fury raged through him, along with several other emotions; all of which he could not come to terms with. Confusion being one of the more predominant emotions. He had the sudden urge to find whoever did this to her and inflict the same sort of pain upon him. The idea of what she must have gone through to have those kinds of markings on her hands; Sebastien did not even want to think about. He had seen horrible indecencies done in his life, including what had happened to his first wife. But something was different this time.

Regaining his bearings long enough to walk over to the side-board, he poured himself a stiff drink. The burn of the brandy trickled down his throat and the warmth settled in his stomach.

He should go after her, Sebastien realized as he settled down with his drink in an oversized wing-backed chair. At the very least to make sure she was alright. However, he did not trust himself in that moment not to do something rash and hurt her feelings more than he already had.

Sebastien came to realize that he did regret almost everything he had said to her. It was said out of anger and spite more than anything else and he knew it was wrong. There were things she did not know and did not understand about him and it was his fault that she didn’t know. Truth be told, Sebastien just thought he meant to protect her from his own past and the horror of it all. It had never crossed his mind that he would have hurt her feelings by holding back from her.

She was right. They hardly knew each other. He didn’t know what color she preferred for ribbons, what her favorite book was, and good God he didn’t know that she had been maltreated.

Deep down, Sebastien came to the conclusion that he did care about her. She was his now, and he would protect her from whatever or whomever had harmed her. It was in that moment that he made a promise to himself that he would never ever purposefully bring her pain.

~~~~~

Lilly didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing when she left Sebastien standing alone in the parlor. All she knew was that she had to get away from him. She could not stand seeing the pity beneath his eyes.

Neither her mother nor her father had ever shown any sympathy towards her. Why would they? Her father had inflicted every single blow that resulted in her scars. Her mother just turned a blind eye. Lilly knew that her mother must have thanked God every day that her husband would take his rage out on someone other than her.

Lilly ran up the stairs and down a quiet corridor, trying to find a place where she could be alone. Her tears had turned into painful sobs as she sank down against a wall. Wrapping her arms around her knees, she rested her head against them.

Looking down at her hands, she could remember almost every little detail about how they came to be that way.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to banish the images from her mind, but to no avail. They came back to her one after another. She remembered her first accident when she was only ten years old.

She dropped down on her knees besides her father’s desk, a cloth in her hand. The smell of whiskey tingled in her little nose as she wiped the spill from the wood floor. Her father had knocked over his glass while giving her a lecture on how she was not to run about the house. Viscount Ashby just sat back in his chair; his eyes slightly glazed over, and watched her. After a moment or two, he reached into his desk and withdrew a thin cigar and a short stick. Holding the stick over the candle it soon caught fire, which he then used to light his cigar. In his drunken stupor, he dropped the burning stick to the floor … into the puddle of alcohol.

Lilly could hear her own screams in her head even ten years later. The fire had been stamped out relatively quickly since a footman was positioned just outside the Viscount’s study. But not before the fire had left the tops of her hands black, bloody, and the skin already bubbling and blistering. It had taken months before Lilly was able to go around without huge cumbersome bandages.

After that incident, Viscount and Viscountess Ashby felt like their daughter was not worth anything to anybody. What sort of man would marry a girl who was disfigured? It was because of this, her father began to drink more heavily than he had before. He grew bitter towards her, knowing that she was going to remain in his house until he died.

Lilly tried to understand her father’s anger towards her, but no matter from what angle she looked, she could not figure it out. In her mind, she had never done anything to deserve such treatment. It was his fault that the whiskey got spilt and it was his fault that he dropped a lit match. Nevertheless, he grew more violent towards her for even the smallest infractions.

She lifted her head from her knees and looked down at her palms; her tears leaving puddles on them. It was easy for her to distinguish which marks were made by her father’s belt and by a switch. After her burns had healed, the Viscount had taken to beating her palms when she had done wrong. Lilly remembered the time he had caught her sneaking out of his library with a history book under her arm. This resulted in her having five large red welts on each hand.

Turning her hands over, she looked at the bruises. Unlike her other scars these were new; almost too new. They were meant as an insult towards Sebastien. One would think that her father would be ecstatic to have her married off, but the opposite was true. He always had a dislike towards the French and besides, who was he going to take his anger out on now that she was gone?

This is why Lilly had decided not to take it any longer; why she had stood up to Sebastien. This is what she had wanted… wasn’t it? She had wanted to get married, to get away from her parents, to have a house of her own, but then why was she sitting in a hallway crying? Maybe her expectations were too high, maybe she wanted too much.

Dropping her hands, she drew her knees up closer to her body. With a slight sigh, she closed her eyes again when she heard heavy footfalls coming up the stairs. She didn’t want to fight anymore. There was no point in it; they were eternally bound under the eyes of God and country. Even when Sebastien wrapped his arms around her shoulders, Lilly did not have the energy to try and pull away. Instead she lifted her head to look at him. He seemed as pained as she herself felt.

They gazed into each other’s eyes for several long minutes before Sebastien gently laid his large hand on top of her smaller one. She flinched at the contact; no one ever dared touch her scars before. Her lips parted slightly but the words on the tip of her tongue were silenced the instant he cupped her hand in his. He raised it so that he could look at it more closely.

There was no revulsion behind his eyes, no hatred, no regrets. What Lilly saw made her heart pound so loudly against her breast that she was almost certain that he could hear it.

The silence stretched on between them as he studied her hands; his fingertips tracing the outline of the scars along her fingers. Lilly was unable to say anything, let alone move. After several more minutes, he laid the backs of her hands against his palms and raised them until both of her hands were cupping his face.

Lilly’s immediate reaction was to pull her hands away, but his grip would not allow it. His skin was warm and smooth beneath her fingertips. She felt the tears coming again as he turned his head slightly and pressed a light kiss to the center of both her palms.

They had said enough to each other already that additional words did not seem necessary. Lilly could tell that something within Sebastien had changed. The last thing she had been expecting was this. Somehow she knew that he would not allow the sight of her hands to affect whatever feelings he may have had for her. And that comforted her greatly.

Sometimes the past is better off left alone. Lilly would not question him about his past unless he questioned her about her hands. This was a silent agreement they had come to there in the hallway.

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